This Is Why You Keep Attracting the Wrong People
Let me tell you something I learned the hard way. There was a time in my life when I thought that if I just gave more, stayed “chill,” didn’t complain, looked good, supported endlessly, and expected very little in return… someone would finally choose me.
I thought being low-maintenance meant I was lovable. I thought silence kept the peace. I thought love was about endurance, not self-worth. But the more I ignored my own needs, the more disconnected I became from myself. And that’s exactly when I started attracting people who mirrored that same energy — people who were unavailable, inconsistent, and often emotionally lazy. It wasn’t that I wasn’t “enough.” It was that I was too busy proving my worth to notice they weren’t even trying. That version of me — the over-giver, the fixer, the forever-forgiving version — she meant well. But she was tired. And lonely. And she was constantly settling for less than she deserved. That was the moment I realized: I wasn’t being rejected. I was being redirected back to myself. So, what did I do instead? Because healing isn’t just insight. It’s an action. Here’s what changed everything for me and what I advise myself and my clients:
1. Stop being “easy” and start being honest.
If something didn’t feel good, I said it. If I needed clarity, I asked for it. If someone’s energy felt off, I didn’t ignore it and over-explain it for them. Instead of: “Maybe I’m overreacting.” I said: “This doesn’t sit right with me. Can we talk about it?”
2. Start setting boundaries and stick to them.
Not as a threat. As a filter. Boundaries aren’t walls; they’re doors with locks. And you get to choose who comes in. Instead of: “It’s okay, I understand you’re busy again.” I said: “I value consistency. If this isn’t aligned for you, that’s okay — but I’m not available for breadcrumbs.”
3. Stop romanticizing potential.
You can't love someone into who they could be. You can only choose them for who they are — and who they choose to be, repeatedly. Instead of: “But I see so much potential in him/her/them.” I asked: “Are their actions showing up in the present — or just their promises?”
4. Start asking: “How do I feel around them?”
Instead of being focused on “Do they like me?” I flipped the script. Do I feel grounded, safe, expanded, and fully myself around this person? Or do I feel anxious, small, unsure? There is a beautiful quote from Charles Horton Cooley that is so powerful. It hit me right in the gut.
I realized I’d spent years living inside a double filter, constantly editing myself to match an imagined version of their perception. I wasn’t being myself. I was being who I thought they thought I should be. And in the process, I abandoned my own truth. So I flipped the script. I stopped obsessing over whether I was liked and started tuning into how I felt.
“You are not who you think you are. You are not who others think you are. You are who you think others think you are.”
5. Make self-respect your new standard.
Not just in dating, but in how I eat, how I speak, how I show up, how I spend my time. Instead of: “If I lower my standards, maybe it’ll work.” I said, “If it requires me to betray myself, it’s a no. The truth is: If you keep attracting the wrong people, it’s not because love has forgotten you. It’s because you’ve been loved from a place that forgot you. The solution isn’t to be “cooler,” “hotter,” or more “chill.” The solution is to become deeply, unapologetically grounded in who you are and what you want — and let that energy do the sorting for you. Because when you stop settling, you stop attracting those who are comfortable giving you less. You deserve the kind of love that doesn’t make you beg for the bare minimum. But most of all, you deserve a relationship where you don’t lose yourself just to keep it going.
So here’s your reminder: Start giving yourself what you’ve always wanted from others.
Love. Approval. Patience. Respect. When you give those things to you first, the right people won’t just notice — they’ll rise to meet you.
If this resonates — if you’ve ever found yourself shrinking, second-guessing, or bending just to be chosen — you’re not alone. It takes courage to start choosing yourself instead. This is the kind of work I do with clients every day — gently peeling back the layers, rebuilding trust with yourself, and creating space for the kind of love and connection that doesn’t cost your peace. If you’re curious what that could look like for you, you’re always welcome to reach out. No pressure, no expectations — just a real conversation.
